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29 June 2012 @ 08:57 am
Hats, Kris and Sky are coming up today (I don't know when!) to hang out and see the puppy. Good times! I'm looking forward to seeing all of them.
It looks nice out, but breezy. Without checking the weather report, I have no idea what kind of day we're in for. I hope it rains a little. Given where I live, I have a good shot at getting my wish.

I just looked at the weather report... 50% chance of rain. See?

Ugh, I'm talking about the weather...

Truth be told, I'm feeling down. I'm playing the end-of-the-month make-money-and-schedule-come-together game, which is not so much fun. It always works out, but I hate that my anxiety paralyzes me until it does. It does not serve me to have trouble working when I need to make more art to make money.
I'm turning 31 next week, and a case of "OMG HOW OLD AM I AND WHY AM I NOT A MORE ESTABLISHED ARTIST BY NOW WAAAAAAH!" has kicked in, strengthened by looking at my budget and feeling like the only thing that's kept me from the sort of success I want - not fame (though I would not complain about being a well-known artist!) but enough money to not worry about things month-to-month, enough to have that house with the little farm, enough to support a family... I wish I made enough that I had more time to devote to getting the puppets done and getting the business moving, and I worry that I'm still dragging my feet because I'm afraid that plan will fail spectacularly. I'm sending out my portfolio, and I know that's a slow process, and that I need to be patient and keep sending things out until I hear from someone. I don't know if it's realistic for me to expect to get my big break, from that, or if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
I know that I should go easy on myself. I know that my twenties were spent identifying and learning to cope with my anxiety disorder. It's okay that there are goals I had as a child that I feel like I should have accomplished by now. It's okay that I'm still hacking at what blocks me from writing like I used to. It's okay that I start projects and then get afraid to finish them - I just need to keep trying and keep learning to do better. It's okay that I'm not where I want to be, yet. It's not a contest. I'm not wasting my time here on this planet. I refuse to fall prey to the thought that I am. I will keep reminding myself of that.

ETA non-depressing things. Last night I was hanging out in my room, and Milo stopped at the door to chat with me. We've been training Otis not to into Arsen and my room. Well, I was feeling bad and wanted a puppy cuddle, so I asked Milo if I could call him in just once. Yeah, that was a bad idea. For the rest of the evening, he kept darting into my room and leaping dramatically into my bed. He is so happy about it, and so skilled at making this huge leap, that I feel bad for taking him out again. I also feel bad for screwing up his training, hahaha. Give 'em an inch... 6_6
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